Gaslighting and Biblical Counseling

More confusion from a therapeutic culture

Have you ever been “gaslit”? Have you ever “gaslit” someone else? Do you even know what this term means? I heard it used countless times before I eventually got curious. Once I figured out its meaning, I realized that I hardly ever hear it used correctly.

The slang term originates from a 1944 psychological thriller called, “Gaslight.” In the film, a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s insane when, in reality, he’s deceptively robbing her of her inheritance. The title of the film derives from the wife’s observation that she often hears footsteps in the attic when the gaslights dim. The husband convinces her that she’s crazy to hide the fact that he’s up there searching for jewels. Throughout the film, the husband systematically and successfully causes his wife to doubt her own sanity.

To “gaslight,” then, means to manipulate someone into questioning their perception of reality for the sake of personal gain. However, in popular usage, the term has morphed into a catchall to describe basic instances of human disagreement. If you interpret these facts differently than I do and try to convince me you’re right, you’re gaslighting me. If you tell someone that they are interpreting something incorrectly, you may be accused of gaslighting them.

Those who apply the term wrongly seek to transform simple human disagreements into instances of manipulation and abuse. Particularly when used by someone perceived as having less power in a relationship, the accusation attempts to win sympathy from those not involved. To claim having been gaslit is to claim victim status which reaps immediate rewards in a culture rightly sensitive to abuse. Ironically, when used wrongly, accusing someone of gaslighting often serves as an actual instance of manipulation, for the accuser wields the label to win the power of public approval and validation.

Lately, I’ve heard the term used in the context of biblical counseling when counselees don’t agree with the advice they’ve been given. “I went to my pastor for counseling, but he gaslit me.” To counsel from the Bible is to apply Scripture to instances of human suffering and sin. Human beings encounter the crucified and resurrected Lord Jesus through his word, and counselors get to serve as conduits of that encounter. Since God’s word speaks relevantly to every human problem, a good biblical counselor will wisely lead in its careful application.

Practically, then, biblical counseling often takes the form of gently suggesting that the counselee has been looking at their situation wrongly. You may hear a biblical counselor say, “You’ve been looking at this situation one way, and its clearly not helping you flourish. Have you considered that God’s word may be calling you to look at that same situation differently in light of Christ?” Biblical counseling thus seeks to help human beings “take every thought captive to obey Christ” (2 Cor 10:5) which often means patiently and wisely assisting them to discover wrong and unhelpful habits of mind.

Unfortunately, human beings often resist this kind of counsel. We say we want the truth, but we’re really sitting in that chair seeking validation. In such cases, the call to change offends, and the counselee resists. In our culture, the counselee may then turn to the ever-expanding glossary of therapeutic terms he or she has imbibed from social media to help make sense of the inner turmoil.

The accusation of gaslighting serves as a tantalizing option which enables victimhood and the transferal of blame. The counselor trying to help morphs into the villain, and the counselee gets to reap sympathy from others without the expectation of change. However, as mentioned above, this accusation ironically turns the accuser into the actual gaslighter.

How do we determine when actual gaslighting has occurred? First, don’t believe every accusation. I’ve learned in ministry that there are always two sides to every story, and I make it my habit to never form conclusions about a situation until I have spoken with all parties involved. Advice like “believe all women” sounds compassionate and caring, but it ignores the element of human sin within every person, male and female.

Second, make a distinction between disagreement based on truth and manipulation based on personal gain. Often, you can cut through the haze by simply asking the following question: Does the person being accused of gaslighting have anything to gain from the situation? While it’s certainly possible for a biblical counselor to manipulate someone for personal gain, encouraging change in obedience to Christ doesn’t meet the criteria.

Our therapeutic culture provides us with a new vocabulary for describing our inner struggles. In such a context, the church must work more diligently than ever to preserve the primacy of theological categories passed down through the ages and preserved in holy scripture. We must keep working to make sure our people understand the difference between loving counsel and gaslighting.