The Better Way of Christian Parenting

Appeasement benefits no one

I woke up to the sound of a mother shouting at the flight attendant, “He doesn’t like this! Can you bring him something else?” It was a long flight, and every passenger got to choose between three options for dinner. Clearly, her elementary-aged son didn’t like the choice he had made. Clearly, the mother thought it was appropriate to burden the flight attendant as well as every other passenger on the plane over her son’s displeasure.

Writing about Christian parenting is tough for a few reasons. First, parenting is hard, and I certainly don’t want to add guilt to already overburdened consciences. Second, anytime I write on parenting I struggle over sounding self-righteous as if I’m the one who cracked the code. For the record, I haven’t mastered anything in this area. Most of my parenting discoveries have come only after many personal mistakes, repentance, prayer, and grace. Third, there are always exceptions and extenuating circumstances that make my advice less relevant to certain individuals. With these caveats in mind, let me address an important topic.

I’m going to state my thesis clearly at the outset and then make my argument. Here it is: Rather than grant your child’s every desire, your job as a parent is to use your God-given authority to redirect those desires toward righteousness (love of God and neighbor) and to train your child to righteously handle the common human experience of coping with the disappointment of unfulfilled desires. In other words, the wise parent prepares the child for adulthood by training the child to be content in all circumstances.

The mother on the plane who shouts at the flight attendant because her child doesn’t like the food he chose is not preparing her child well for life. She is teaching a lesson that already prevails in American culture and one that hasn’t served us well if mental health statistics are any indication. That lesson? Your desires are ultimate, and your happiness is tied to getting what you want.

Obviously, I’m unfairly picking on a lady who had the unenviable task of transporting multiple small children across the Atlantic Ocean in a small metallic cylinder filled with hundreds of tired and cranky people. I understand it probably wasn’t her best moment. However, I’m only using her story to illustrate a dynamic I see nearly every day. Why do we give our elementary-aged children smartphones? Because they want them. Why do they not have to eat healthy food that their body needs and that you spent hours preparing? Because they don’t want to. They don’t like it. Why do they refuse to do what we tell them? Because we’ve taught them along the way that they don’t have to.

We’ve become a nation of appeasers. Appeasement is the art of conflict avoidance. Appeasement occurs when the parent grants the desires of the child to avoid a clash of wills. If you want to keep momentary peace, appeasement will do the trick. If you want to raise a peacefully content human being, appeasement is the worst strategy you could ever employ.

For every momentary small gain appeasement grants you, you multiply future problems for your child. Appeasement works by avoiding the real problem—your child’s sinfully selfish heart. Appeasement effectively kicks the can down the road for someone else to deal with later—your child’s future spouse, boss, or roommate. If you don’t work to train your child’s heart to rest content with unfulfilled desires while you have them under your authority, a lifetime of conflict awaits. We smile and shrug at the picky child that won’t eat his food. No one thinks it’s cute when the adult pitches a fit over a botched order at the Starbucks counter.

To parent by appeasement is ultimately selfish parenting. It’s the easy choice because it gains the parent momentary tranquility, but it does so at great cost to the child. The appeasing parent trades their own temporary comfort for their child’s future well-being. However, the Christian parent must not choose the easy path. The Christian parent of all people ought to know that, as the saying goes, the right thing is always the hardest thing to do. We follow the one who died on the cross to save us. We are called to deny ourselves, take up our own crosses daily, and follow him (Luke 9:23). When applied to parenting, we must fight the hard battles of will now for the future benefit of our children. We must love them more than we love ourselves.

If you want to train your children to thrive as adults in this world, you must train them to face disappointment well. The message that happiness is found in getting what you want is everywhere—they face it at the end of every Disney movie and in every pop song. Christian parents, you must show them a better way. The way of Christ is the way of self-denial. It may seem hard in the moment, but in the end, it’s the only way to save their souls (Luke 9:24). “For what does it profit a [child] if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself” (Luke 9:25)?